It has been a very interesting month or so since I last did one of my longer posts on here. My being quiet has in part been because I've still feeling the effects of that antibiotic. My capacity to do stuff, pretty much everything including thinking, has been significantly less than usual. Yes I've been feeling a LOT better overall, but as soon as I started getting back to the gym and fitting in a social life around study, that was it, I really had no energy left. It's not unusual lately that I go to the gym in the morning on a day I plan to study and then find that I can't think for the rest of the day! I'm all used up. My brain feels full of cotton wool. I can think a bit but it's such an effort to focus. This is, I believe, the commonly referred to 'brain-fog'; a typical symptom of so many conditions connected to inadequate digestion/metabolism and gut-flora imbalances. Although it's been annoying I'm not too bothered. I know I'm improving and I've had similar prolonged reactions to antibiotics before.
The other reason I've been quiet is that for a few weeks there I was feeling all a bit bored and over it. Of food, of nutrition, of study and especially of all the sitting on my butt that it involves. And then there was the assignment which involved the creation of a detailed meal-plan for a client. This was meant to be a taste of what it's like to be a practising nutritionist. I hated it. Lol! I was all "Oh man, I seriously can't be bothered caring that much about what someone eats. I have a hard enough time figuring out what I should be eating." This did not bode well for someone planning to become a nutritionist!
Jumping to now things I'm glad to say things have shifted. Looking back I can recognise a number of factors that I think contributed to me feeling the way I was feeling. Excuse my whiney tone for these next few paragraphs:
1. I still struggle with my health. I still feel like I haven't quite figured out how to break through a couple of symptoms that still give me ongoing trouble, this is in addition to the antibiotic related fatigue/digestive issues.
2. I have a couple of friends, one in particular who struggles with conditions relating to nutrient metabolism and gut flora issues. When I checked in with her a month or so ago, despite seeing the fancy up-to-date integrative medicine doctor, and cutting out dozens of foods and taking fancy supplements, she was still feeling like crap.
3. It's fucking hard work! Lol. All this bloody cooking and food prep and restricting foods. And for what? I want to be at my best now! Seriously. I'm doing ALL the things! It's been months! I want to be better NOW!
4. I started studying nutrition because I truly thought I could help people. However, after learning all the confusing information that I've learnt thus far I don't know if anyone really knows how to help anyone anymore! Lol! And if that's the case, I'd rather be an artist.
5. I really do need to be an artist.
So yes, up until a week or so ago I was pretty much ready to quit. I started to allow my mind to focus on myself as an artist/musician and make some plans. That felt great. I don't regret that happening at all.
But then little things started happening. My mum asked to see my food-plan assignment. She thought it was fantastic, which really surprised me. That was nice. She asked for a copy and took it to show my (marathon running) uncle who had recently seen a dietitian and was given a food-plan (for quite a price!). Turns out he preferred my food-plan and took the copy I gave to my mum, and is apparently going to follow that instead! That also felt nice. Very encouraging.
Despite that encouragement, though, I was still feeling quite decided that I was going to drop out. I started telling some friends and family members about my thoughts of stopping my studies. Well, they didn't seem to like that idea at all. Most of them confronted me in one way or another (some more tactfully than others) which I'm not used to! Lol. Normally they just leave me be to make my own decisions, but it was like they really didn't want me to drop out. As though they thought I was on to a good thing. Like they thought I actually have something to offer people. Like they believe I would actually make a good nutritionist. I don't think I've ever experienced so much encouragement to stick with something before. And as much as I didn't want to be influenced by their encouragement and just wanted to quit and move on, it had an affect on me.
I started reflecting on how people around me have responded to my studying nutrition. Like one family member has drastically cut down their alcohol consumption after I explained what I'd learnt about alcohol metabolism. Another family member now frequently proudly shows me her plate full of veggies whereas it used to be full of stacks of (not particular nutritious) rice-cakes. She keeps telling me how much better eating more veggies is making her feel. And she's gone from being passionately uninterested in nutrition to enthusiastically reading about the science behind cholesterol and atherosclerosis. It's heart warming. My dad in particular has been very pleased I've taken this path. Since the beginning he's been telling his friends and saying "it will be like having a doctor in the family", lol.
Then there's another family member I've been talking to about my current nutritional interest; intuitive eating. It seems I've inspired her because she's bought the book and tells me she feels it's made a positive difference to her life already. And, as someone who's practising eating this way myself, I find it really inspiring talking to her about it. It helps us both.
Then there's the recent glut of health problems that have been popping up in family and friends; lots of 'high' cholesterol and people being encouraged by their doctors to take statins, there's gut-related issues, serious autoimmune conditions, and then there's the next generation coming through to look after. I've subtly offered information to some of these people and, to my surprise, they've taken it on board, more or less, often with good affect. That feels good, like I'm actually able to be help people. What with all these modern ailments popping up these days I almost feel obliged to keep studying to keep us well as a family. Not that that will fall to me, of course, but at least I can be an educated resource of up-to-date information in a landscape of confusing and conflicting information.
But I think the tide actually turned for me when I caught up with two of my closest friends this past week. One a doctor and one that friend I mentioned above who struggles with metabolism and gut problems.
My doctor friend was so encouraging of me to keep going. She told me that when she thinks of me she thinks of artist/musician/food-related stuff (there were some other things too, but I forgot). She says it's part of me. And as much as I hate that idea (having been someone who has a eating disordered history and would like to think that food and I are ex-lovers and I will never be identified with it in any way ever again), she's right. What she said also reinforced the idea that it doesn't to be science or creativity. I can do both. I may have to let go of getting top marks in order to have balance in my life, but that's a sacrifice worth making, I feel.
And my other friend, wow, she looked and sounded the best I have ever seen her. She told me it's because she's finally sticking to what her integrative doctor told her to do; ie strictly avoid certain foods and take certain supplements. She was a different person to who she was the last time I saw her. I was stunned. And so encouraged that there is hope.
Ok. I'm convinced. I'll stick with this and see what kind of integrative nutritionist/intuitive eating counsellor/creativity inspiring creature I turn into. Seat-belt buckled.
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